Woke up to a disaster, last night lost my mind and did the un-thinkable.. today I had to wake up and deal with that stuff together with the rest of the other stuff that was haunting me...
but here is how the day went.
I took my last R200.. I went and got Southern Comfort and sleeping pills. The plan was to try and sleep for good as I was trying to run away from the world with all its rubbish.... nothings wrong with running away if you can do it right....
I don't feel like I'm the person that my family expects me to be. I don't feel like I'm the person everybody thinks I am... so I got sick and tired of the veneer of perfection that we constantly have to wear and exist in, in order to be accepted.
I want to be accepted for everything that is wrong about me.. as much as I get accepted for all that is dope about me. I can't be silent about that stuff... It really eats me up inside.
In order for success to exist......... there WILL be failure found somewhere in that same equation.
All I remember was that I was depressed and frustrated and I was not myself... My mind was working funny, I wasn't thinking straight and I just felt like shit.
I'm a broken person inside... why should I hide that and keep up an appearance? who am I trying to convince otherwise, it just doesn't make sense... oh and this is like a public platform I shouldn't be talking about this stuff right?... it just feel right to write about it.
I took my Southern comfort and sleeping pills and decided that " hey its over for a damn Nuhtkayz why God wants me to stay in this hell.. If there is a heaven out there.. than that is where I want to be."
I walked to the pmb lake and saw ambulances there on one side and thought "FURRCK!!" ..
So I turned around and tried another end of that same lake...
First chilled and checked out the park, than made my way under the bridge....
As I was ready to chill down and gobble the sleeping pills together with the shots to get me drowsy enough to sleep in the water. This homeless dude walks up to me...
He's like "ey sisi kunjani" the only thing I was thinking about at that time was " damn dude why you had to come in and ruin my moment like that".
I had my mind fixed on escaping... I guessed that seemed like an easy way out but what the fvck!!
All I was really sure about was that I'd already told God that I want to start over again in a different time, in a different place... so this dude hung out there pissing me off asking me stuff and whatnot. It went well after a while gave me the chance to talk about everything that was bothering me.
I was feeling confined and ham-strung by convention, Outside and families expectations of me and just randomly having to wear big pants even if you wake up feeling like a kid that day.
The studying situation was feeling like a prison... I didn't want to continue because my heart was no longer in it, I felt trapped.
I didn't want to get up and fight I wanted to stay down and play dead and be vulnerable because that is what felt real to me.
I just wanted to run away and free myself, to avoid the controlling arm of society...
That homeless dude somehow managed to change my mind. He had so much to tell me, as if he was expecting me to come through. He had so much kindness in him.... He was such a dreamer.
We hung out with these dudes for hours and hours... they were really cool people that I honestly liked hanging out with.
They had more life in them than the dead bodies I see here on campus everyday...
It felt awesome to be a hobo for the day, I've never felt that free ever... I was down there under that bridge with crazy people like myself who completely understood me and didn't judge me one bit.. I'll go there one day with lots of beer and food when money shows its evil face to me again...
I don't know how they managed to talk me out of what I initially went under the bridge to do, but I'll forever despise those cool kids for bringing me back.... I was fully prepared to sleep in that water... So prepared that I even practiced how I was going to do this stuff all night... damn trolls!!
I made my escape from under the bridge at around 7 and walked up the highway looking wild as fvck! Some white people decided to stop by and felt like they needed to pray for me..
OK... so I was like "yeah pray for a Nuhtkayz why don't you?"
The 2 girls were very much like myself..
They had their own failed attempts and stories to tell me as if they knew me all their lives... I must have looked like a dead person walking....
The one chick once stole R8000 from her parents to escape to Cape Town when things got rough on her end.. what a coincide biyatch I had similar ideas but didn't have that much cash to go around coz if I did.. I wouldn't be here right now I would have escaped ages ago.
I bet that dear God hearted Samaritan thought " Oh no, my mommies money... Weeny!!" God will punish me if I go through with this.
It was great to see that I was not the only person out there with failed escape stories.
I found it crazy that they decided to stop me in the middle of the road as if they knew what was going on with me.
Coincidentally... these white folks were preaching to me the same thing that the homeless kids were.. except that the kids knew my story and these strangers didn't, but they had the same message for me nonetheless ..
I guess it wasn't time yet...
But fvck it.. I will try again some other time.. *wink*
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