Day 5: following the train of desire and aspiration.....

I kept snoozing off today and didn't feel like waking up. I think I hopped out of bed at 14:00 and the day started off really late for me. There was so much to do today that I really don't know how I managed to get everything done by the end of the day having woken up at 2. Things didn't go all that smooth though you see doing laundry and cooking all at once was the reason I put a pot of rice on the stove without water in it and burning that pot beyond cleaning. Multi-tasking can't be something all females can do.. Mind was all over the place and I swear I won't scrub that pot lawd knows I won't.

I keep getting the message of recurring 4's seeing that over and over again, after googling hubspages this is what I found "The number 4 symbolizes the principle of putting ideas into form and it signifies work and productivity. The 4 energy is constructive, realistic, traditional and cautious and is the number of system, order and management. This vibration is to do with energy, harmony and co-operation and it is the door to illumination and/or initiation."

That message makes a whole lot of sense right now as getting practical has been such a challenge for me recently. So maby I could put the rest of that info to good use. I guess its time to try and materialise!!

Only thing that was funny about today was, there's this dude that I knew for a short while. When we met he was all on some "ÿo!! I've got a studio mayyn you should come and record and blah blah" We recorded 3 joints with him and from there shit just changed. We'v been on and off fighting about things and for the most of this year we just didn't get along, last couple of months we were cool and just talking like proper people. His recording and mixing business is growing and he's getting top ranked artists come and record their music by him and I guess that makes him think he's too good to work with artists that are not yet established. I had this business proposal for him and I was like "dude, I'm a student right now I can't pay all these studio charges but I want to record some stuff. If you can record this project for me that I'd like to attempt establishing myself with... than I can repay the favour by being a lifetime client since I've decided to take this up professionally after I graduate along with the other businesses I'll be pushing" Last thing he said was that he still needs to think about it. That was the last I heard from this guy and I'm wondering in my mind if he thinks I'm trying to use him or something. I noticed today that he decided to block me on facebook, I guess that is the answer than.

Thing about people is that they'll swarm around you when things are surfacing and the fruits of your labour are showing, but when you are in the process of building up... nobody really thinks much of it all. I am in the process of building something right now and it feels like everybody that I know who has the power to help steer me forward is just not doing that. It is either they just don't believe in what I'v got going on, or its the fear of affiliating yourself with people you have no guarantee of success with, whatever it is.. not at all a smart move when you consider business being all about taking risks.

I was very bummed out about this dude doing that to me because I didn't expect that from him but life goes on. Teusday I'm having my second business pitch and doing best at that, this could be the difference between quality and hash product. The funding to lift my projects off the ground and plans to just going in harrrd with what I do. for the few business ideas that I'v had I still need to do market research and look into more of that on monday so that I could present solid facts on teusday and start moving forward.

As far as the personal stuff, I can't say I've ever had good relationships with guys. I've always messed that stuff up for as long as I could remember. It just never works with me. I have just stopped trying. I'm taking those footsteps down as I go cause I have a vision to live for and to materialise. Whoever doesn't want to be a part of that boat I can't force them to be.

All I know is that I'm going to make this kat regret ever doing that to me... Does he know how serious I am about this stuff? What people in entertainment forget is that all the platforms could be provided but if the talent is not on score that is as far as it will get... me on the other hand. I know what I'm doing.

There's still a lot of climbing for me to do; many talents still to develop and round up, the years of the manufactured artist are over. You go real or go home! The past 2 years have been an amazing learning experience for me and there will never be space for self pity on this road of mine... what ever goes wrong goes wrong and that won't be focused on we move ahead!! I accept everything that is bad about myself as much as I accept everything that is good about me also. So, I'm moving forward seeing nothing but the end result.

 

The good thing about knowing people who have the power to change your life and then they just don't. That teaches you self autonomy, it teaches you independance and the will to stand on your own feet with what you do. The harder it becomes, the more you learn about those desires inside of you because what gets revealed to you is how really bad you want to be doing this.

'These people don't know me well' is all I have to say. I come from a home where feelings were never a big deal, things were all about getting what you want and my Grandparents taught me well. they never made anything easy for me, even at home getting cash for anything you needed was a hustle. Getting out there and meeting friends made me realise how different my upbringing was, all I'm saying is that I'm going to fight for what I want untill I get it!

I'm going to grow into myself and develop creative credibillity to base all of my careers in media & arts on. People don't know how serious I am about this stuff, taking it all easy like we all need to chill but we don't all come from the same fabric. I'm a very polarized personality and I will never change that for shit. I had to be normal to get things to work the way that they wanted things to go & that just didn't work for..

The last bad hook up I had, dude had a problem with my hair and wanted me to stay with my natural hair and I'm thinking to myself. This shit though.... How can you tell me what to do with my hair though?  The dude after that felt me for a split second and then changed his mind, I'm done playing in that field though I want better for myself now.

I can't and won't ever be your idea of cool but I can only be my own. All I know is that the minute I start making things work for myself I don't want anybody on my back.  I don't do the whole relatives thing, nobody is here now and it should stay like that. One of my cousins see I'm seriously grinding here and there and then starts thinking I'v got cash....They start asking for cash and then you'r thinking to yourself "ÿo I'm still a student, the same way I'm working tooth and nail to bring my things together so should you."

 

 

I'm still writing and a lot of me is in that.... all about staying on message! 'coz if I don't fight to do me... I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I have nothing to loose!!
This being a crucial 2 years of my life, I don't want to surround myself with negative energy. I don't need any of that right now. As a human being I have to balance the ugly and the beautifull sides of who I am together. They both exist in me balancing me out as a person, If some shortsighted, small minded people decide to judge me in anyway or from the perspective of my negative angles. I couldn't be bothered by that. That is what they chose to see in me, and that only reflects them and not me... I can't be mad about that. There is as much good as there is bad in me and that is what makes me human. How could I be offended by that when I'm not the one with an understanding impairment who doesn't acknowledge the fact that there needs to be cold in order for there to exist a hot. for there to be any good in me there has to be bad...

 

So in that way, It's ok for me right now to be the misfit and outcast because it affords me the personal space to grow into myself. This is still the foundational phases of my existence and the last thing I want to do with this is to waste it catering to people who don't really matter in my development.

My story couldn't be any more simple than it already is... Saiyan spirited in drive, not giving up on these aspirations really because I don't see anything better than having these accomplishments in my life, without these aspirations there really wouldn't be anything for me to get up for, I have a frikkin dream contrary to everybody else who doesn't and whether people like it or not...I am on this journey right now following the train of my desires and I refuse to be stopped!!