Previously on Day3 ..........
"The decision
was made that in order to develop a stable productive life, a time sheet was
going to be brought into the new working routines balancing study, work and
music properly giving each one a reasonable time slot in the day. It was an
exciting day with work as we were celebrating a new writer joining the
NutzAboutRap team, boss move like that for N.A.R to be able to recruit people
now..haha! Was so very proud of the blog and how well it is doing."
Day 4:
The day started off late for me waddling about at night çoz that has just always been the best time for me to get work done since back in my highschool days. I got to load up on groceries today and went out running foodsie errands with Breeh.
She's changed a lot as a person being the first person I met here in PMB.
She's less involved in my life now than she was before and has all these new friends around her, I can't really blame her for that distance I hardly make any time for friends.
Still love her very much though and she'll always rock as ever it's just that I'm out here chasing my ambitions and everything else falls away bit by bit.
It's a major sacrifice all together and sometimes you end up dropping important balls such as famiy and friends coz you just not making any time for that.
Sne is amazing because she's the only friend I've ever had whose free spirited and detached, she spends hours and hours on her sketches that spendng time is not exactly an ideal way of 'passing time time'for her. I guess I like her so much coz she's so detached from reality
she's a bit of a dreamy ideas person like I am....
I bet she can relate to how I find the world in my head much more exciting than realtime reality often is.
The day was mostly self reflective... did a lot of digging on my pursuit of answers today.
It all came from me trying to figure out why I have the type of issues I have, where they spring up from and try make sense of the desires and feelings I have about certain things in my life.
The introspection just left me with even more questions than I started out with.
Understanding where all this passion comes from is still one of the first q's in line. These overwhelming desires to create and produce things just gets crazy sometimes.
The want to achieve great things in this life with my existance is fast becoming an urge fucking up everything else in my life coz now it seems like I have no time for anything else.
these are thoughts that flood my mind all day, those desires are just there... and then you are forced to do something about them 'coz know they make up a part of you like everything lese in your body. I am questioning these desires 'coz I believe a better understanding is going to help me develop and ground a sense of direction in my life right now.
There won't be so many question marks in my mind...
Come to think of it... I don't really trust anybody in my life right now.
you never know what peoples intentions are.
I have to say though that the best thing that came out of knowing my father the way that I did was in him instilling in me a distaste for dependance.
That is the greatest positive thing that I have taken from the relationship I have with him,
you just need to learn never to trust people.
Self sufficience is the greater ideal here...
Perhaps I wouldn't understand being self sufficient
in the way that I do now, had he been the typical father who had his kids backs and was there for them in all the important times of their lives
Proabably the reason why I've never connected with him.
There was never a really good support system in place for us.
Family was just forever all over the place with some kind of drama taking place somewhere
and relative beefs were just the craziest.
The family split and re-united so many times it just started feeling like one big playing field.
maby things would have been different, but my Dad is more like one of these random emcees I keep meeting on my journey than he is a Dad.
He's never really been consistant in his responsibillities and his children never seemed to be all that important to him.
Friends of mine don't understand why I work as hard as I do, everything's always been a gamble for me. This life is more like one big hustle to get on my own financial fee than it is a journey to some dream space like how they always reflect it in these movies.
This constantly existing in the illusion of the future that I always do,
comes from the dependance issues that developed in my childhood.
This fear that keeps you grinding harder than everybody else because the ultimate goal is not reward for you, it is freedom.
Nobody is going to reward you or applaud you for your efforts or have a family pat you on the back for good work. Nobody!!
reaching that ultimate goal means the freedom to venture out, depend on your own self financially and just do you.
I guess for me that ultimate goal is standing on my own feet.
Not needing anything from anybody,
generating enough to live off of and wake up every guhdamn day excited about the work that I have to do for that money.
Being completely into which ever profession I decide to go into is one of those ideals, Preferably one that enables my
creative tresses to exist.
Those dependance fears present themself in the form of
not wanting to fail at flying once it's your turn to jump out of the nest.
You want to be successful at flapping your wings and flying.
you don't want to keep going back to the nest coz you want to start building your own..
hmmph*... That distaste for dependance that I can never get over as one of the greatest issues
making me such a difficult person in relationships to get along with.
I become a lot to deal with.
Certainly comes from living all 21 years of my life with a father who just didn't give a damn about your emotional wellbeing and health along with those important
things he could have taught me that he just passed up as not very important.
self worth and identity first develop at home....
It was really unfair that I had to work those up the way that I had to.
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