Day 28 - IT's breathing!!

Everything felt like it was crashing....... Rome was falling.
I was in the midst of that disaster walking gracefully and victoriously through IT, completely unaffected.

This is how I know I have found IT!!

Now I want to grow and write about issues that affect me on the daily,
... Leave the explosively burning car behind me and continue as though I were James Bond in one of his successful escapes. Save my imaginative side for spontaneous moments in music.
....right now I want to tell the story of the truths inside of me.

I've never been a one dimensional creature, doors slammed over and over again and rejection kept a consistent cycle of flames on me with fire that kept repeatedly coming.... over and over again.

I've been boxed in so much because that is what stereotypes and labels are meant to do, to help you look at life from one lazy dimension...
Overtime I became and embodied peoples expectations of me, I embodies all of my influences and lived outside of myself for so long that I had no identity for as long as I was a prisoner. I had no firmness, no sense of self. I had no relationship with myself living a sloppy life because I made the daily objective "getting through the day"and not "Living through the day".

Vuyelwa Maluleka inspired me today with the words.....

"if i am an artist who will mute my politics to make people comfortable. Then my art is a fraud. why is it not as easy for you to ask me to take woman out of my identity? why do you, indian man, who says he is bIack only if he must racially classify himself want to make me a liar?  " - 

Quoted from Vee Wrote it.

The stuff that I would really like to address... The stuff that sit on my throat like a heavy lump, always getting hushed whenever I try and express....

The emotional drama's of the He and She's. The holes in our social system and the pains of being caught up in the language of a rotten system.... 

I've been silent, when there's so much to talk about.

How do you use your voice to make empty music when alone in your room you cry the shards away 

hoping you'l wake up ok. 

I feel like I lost everything including myself in this phase I'm going through, what I really want to talk about is young women and where gender draws the lines of respect. 

With rap having taken me in and out of boys clubs everywhere I went. 

From Free State to KZN and a short while in JHB while growing up... I want to talk about that world and the opposite one.

I want my voice to come from a place of honesty.....
A truth that I will feel breathing inside of me every time I re-tell the story, because I've learnt how to appreciate value in the stuff coming from inside of us...

Honest conversations addressing all the issues I come across...
I need to get rid of the public silencer I walk around with, the "stuff you can't say in public" so there's no mask and no appearance for me to keep up and uphold that I feel isn't genuinely me.

I'm willing to risk that "got-it-together & strong" appearance,
in order to start telling my own stories..
How could you think you are protecting me by silencing me from speaking? 

Tiny little girl can't be what people see when they look at me, when inside I'm such a phenomenon.

May the universe grant me the strength I need to continue on this path....

I have to go off now and write a letter with me and me about us.....

Peel the layers of expectation, external pressures, unnecessary baggage and all of the static in between.