Today was just that 'stop crucifying yourself day' everytime I do something wrong and don't get it right the first time around I need to breathe and try again and again until eventually it comes right. I know for sure if 9 year old me was here that is what she would say about all of this.....
Took a bunch of goofy b'day selfies when I woke up, to celebrate tomorrows happy 21st!! I want to be able to say some time in future... 'That was the before and after effect, lol... before the 21st celebration and after it. So i'll certainly be taking other goofy selfies after the celebration. Funny I call it a "celebration"when nothing will be happening really. It's just exciting to know I'm 21... I thought 20 was boring... you'r closer to 17 year olds and those people can't watch porn and stuff. lol!
The universe has been watching me... even while I was watching white people in their b'day suits. How really awful is that thought though? I really should stop thinking like that, it is disturbing!
I'm changing things up now. Action is more important than a couple of genius ideas. I need to let the proof do the talking and not me.... I want the achievements, successes and growing skill to do the talking for me and not have to explain shit to anybody. There's a lot of creative potential and I'll continue writing and developing... for now, I've got an academic record to save and that's all that matters right now.
We still haven't taken form yet... everything is still in rough sketches and uncut raw detail. But I know after I've taken time to polish it all, the mineral will go from raw detail to identifiable gold and diamond. I will continue doing ME in sickness and in health. In development and in success, in survival and in wealth.
Success is still a journey and not a destination. So I believe I still exist successfully if I can get through everyday happy with myself. Happy with the work I've done and the little achievements of that day. There's a lot of superficial fabric for people to cut through in order to get to the real stuff. Some people never get to that real stuff to begin with. So for that I consider myself one of the lucky few who have been able to get through the noise and static.
The key lesson was not to build anything externally, but to build from the inside into the out. So the idea is to be well with yourself first as the basic foundation that everything else stands upon. I got in touch with 9 year old me today. I wish I could share those pictures in here but well I just won't..lol.
It felt like a warm hug going back to my past like that. Little Thembi was excited about the ideas that I had about how we were going to make a name for ourselves in what we do and the career we've chosen for our-self. She was happy I never gave up writing, I was happy about her feeling that way... the fact that she was still proud of me that little neenuuu was cuuute!! We've got a survival plan in this life that is going to allow the artist in there to shine. At the end of that conversation she drew me a page of random scribbles and tiny roses to give me a memory to carry around with me reminding me of what we used to be.
Whenever I need something to push me forward I'll just remember that page of doodles and small roses. She was very happy about how far we've come. We are so close to that mark of independence. We have to keep going.... It's not enough anymore to know that you've got great potential. It is a waste of that potential all together if you don't continuously prove it to yourself anyway.
I dreamt of my ex dude washing dishes and stuff.... I don't know what that means but I hope it means I'm getting rich in this lifetime or something cool like that. so back to the topic, 9 year old me is going to be good motivation from here on. To help me stop wasting away any of the potential I believe I have... to get into action more often no matter how challenging it may be. I dreamt myself here 4 years ago, I can dream myself anywhere else I want to see myself in the next couple of years to come. I'm going to see to it that those plans materialise.... We've come so far already!!
I can and will continue doing me.... Doing Nuhtkayz, doing vibrance, doing excitement, doing madness and loving funki-ness madly. That is who I am in there...a vibrant, exciting, funky force. May the force of a Nuhtkayz be with you as we continue creating the dream of Design sketches; smokey shade; black fabric; Super Saiyan hair; insane lyricism, ritual bars and energetic music....
Yesterday I put out the 'corna cypha stuff' link, playful rhythms for the heart and ears.. http://www.datafilehost.com/d/5a983697
"Writtens give rappers a quick eviction!!"...... we infecting with this poison!!
Happy birthday!!!!!!! Tomorrow I'm not posting anything I'll be lying in bed all day doing things inside my head.
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