Once it is all said and done I' ll be proud of having made the little efforts. It still takes tiny raindrops to eventually break the rock. These exercises should help me develop positive productivity habits, If I can keep to this new time and energy balance plan than I know for sure I'll go to bed every night feeling accomplished. Creating those patterns of success in the mind is a necessity for commanding control over your own life.
I've been learning one lesson over and over all year this year... you can never stop working if you never want to stop growing! Just the same way that destruction breeds even more destruction, the opposite must apply. This is a difficult treadmill that I'm jumping on but it can only testify to myself how strong I can be. As the saying goes "life will hit you hard a couple of times, but it's not about how many times you get hit but rather how many times you can get hit and still keep going!! the strength is in how much you can take before you fall.. do you have enough persistence to endure?"
This guy that I've kind of been friendzoning for two whole years now is no doubt somebody that I would change all the rules for. I've never met anyone that genuine in conversation and he's never fronting on anything unrealistic. We laugh so hard at each other and we call each other stupid and never get offended by nothing. I'm attracted to how unshaken-able he is, there's nothing you can say that will offend him. He's a powerful energy because nothing can really penetrate his positive aura. He knows himself too well to trip on external negativity. We seldom fight because he knows how to turn anything into a joke and leave me cracking up about it hours after it all went down. I can safely call him Themba in here coz nobody in this whole circle knows that name.. that's his real name so the secrecy is sworn. Nomatter how difficult of a person I've always thought I was... this dude comes in and all that stuff crumbles, simply because he knows how to deal with me and which buttons are where. I respect him for making the effort to really figure me out as a human being. Although he doesn't know all there is to know about me, but the fact that he genuinely wants to know and made that effort to understand ...is something I appreciate.
It's been difficult for me to see all of this for what it is. I have this story of an ex who put me through so much that I'll never forget him. He was a broken spirit with more issues than I could ever imagine having, He was a real mess in the mind dying from his own isolation, fighting secret demons and negative things in his life. Being with him really did mess me up for a short while. The instability was so loud that every time we'd fight we'd never go back to the way we were before that. I still don't understand how I managed to put up with this guy, it must be my generally being a compassionate person who doesn't wish any kind of harm on anybody and seeing him self destruct bothered me from a place of care more than it did from a place of irritation. I never want to see somebody hurt and I believe I'm not the only person on earth who feels that way. Whenever I think about this person, no matter how good things are at that moment I always go back to an empty darkness... that's the one memory of him that is left. He apologized for all of the frustration that he caused but that never took the cloud away. There's still a bitter memory of him in my mind because there's no type of physical assault that scars you as bad as the verbal and emotional kind. Whenever he'd have his moments and we'd go at each other with words it would hurt so bad afterwards coz shit would really sink in and you'd almost feel the creaks cracking even bigger ground in your esteem. I was just insane to date a messed up battle emcee like that in the first place. It's almost as if all that ever goes on in his mind is war. That memory of him in my mind will stay dark because nobody in my life was ever successful in making me feel that worthless.
He didn't even respect the relationship enough to end it in a respectable way. How he did it was telling me that having a dog was better than having a girlfriend?.... How cheap is that though?
Thinking about how all these events unfolded just depresses me still. I have since decided to myself that relationships can sometimes be a waste of time and energy. I can't think of one positive thing that came out of my time with that 'thing'. Since that time I have never really ever completely invested myself in the dating stuff... it became this ping pong on and off thing because you stop trusting people have good intentions.
Couldn't believe how I allowed myself to forget who I was. How I allowed myself be defined by some who couldn't see far enough to know what type of energy and spirit he was chilling with.
I never imagined him to be a petty mind but with all of that life experience his mind is still as big as a babies pinky finger to me.... for not being able to see any further than the exterior, for choosing to be blind, arrogant and ignorant. I can't think of any state lower than that.
It took me so long to believe that I was diamond in the ruff again, stuff I knew about myself before I started messing with this troll! Ruff diamond, phresh rose and the purest gold he'll ever meet. Through his eyes, all that he could see was ashes, thorns and cheap fabric coz those are the only type of girls he's known all his life.
What I learnt from this experience is that, If you don't know who you are people will come in and tell you who you to be. People will try and define you, limit you and box you into classifications that may be below you. You need to know your worth or else you'll easily adapt all these crappy labels people will paste on you simply because they are crappy people themselves. You an't expect good fruit to fall from a bad tree.
The only reason Themba is still the strongest kat I've met since being here, is because his mind is strong enough to see through and cut through the basic exterior that everybody else can see. He knows what's inside. When somebody still wants to be in your life after seeing you at your worste, after experiencing you in your whack moments and not bothered by any of your imperfections and not bothered by anything of that but still wants to be around.. that person is one hundred with you! They'r not judging you. They don't care about anything bad or negative about you or only because they know that the positive will always outdo that.
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