Past the future as my present obsession.

I've been to the movies and back, we were walking into the Primary School grounds with my potential Husband and it started raining. I could see the pools of rain on the tar ground already although the rain had just begun to drip. Wondering where that puddle came from, I choked on what I was eating. Can't even remember what it was that I was eating. Next thing you know, my mind decides to wake up from that dream and I snapped into consciousness with feelings of a sudden excitement.

"Ït is a gift to be African" were the first words in my head this morning. I'm not sure if these feelings come from reading Winari's blog or from remembering my dream in detail for the first time in ages since childhood. Either way though, I feel an overwhelming 3 days worth of inspiration weighing heavy on my shoulders. I must write about it and releave the urge of creating something if I hope to get any studying done for this weeks test paper in time 'coz I certainly won't study with all these thoughts going through my mind.

I know somebody in future is going to see the written record of my dreams and know who I am, Where I've been, Who I was in the past life, Who my 7 names are and which of the 1.8billion Gods is with me in this life. That person is going to remember everything that I've forgotten during my transition from pure energy into matter. This same person s going to compile an accompanying blog explaining exactly which part of SiriusB I come from, why, when, what, how and who I was in that phase of my existence.

That person will have knowledge of my energy form and will share his findings, even if this will happen long after my death. If this person truly understands energy they won't struggle to find me çoz energy never dies.

I'm taking the step today of writing down all of my dreams every morning as I wake up. Working towards remembering every single detail of each dream. I want to re-meet myself and get introduced to who I've been for centuries and centuries, and in this space I'm at. There is only one way of finding the puzzle pieces of that picture.... the world in my dreams.

Books get lost, burnt or torn and laptops get stolen. The best way to plant these footprints in a place where they'l exist in one collection even after I die is here in my personal blog. I'd like for my grandchildren someday to be able to access and read all about the journey of my life and not just rely on what they hear from others in the family. Nobody in my family really knows me well enough in anyway so this is going to be that record for them of pictures, videos and all that good stuff of where I've been with my life, together with a collection of my dreams. To give them a deeper look at where my spirit has been roaming around during the night state of deep meditation.

The desire to compile such work must have come from wishing I had met my biological mother in real life at a time where I could remember what she looked like, felt like, sounded like and smells like. All I've ever seen of her was one blurry photo in school uniform where nothing was really clear. The disconnect is a screeching pain when you log in to facebook and see a world of imagery in a society where everybody's got a selfie album of their pictures. That would have meant so much to me to have one of those from my Mother. She apparently gave birth to me at 18 but never lived long enough to see the revolution of social media. There are no remaining means of experiencing her at all, no proper pictures, no videos, none of her clothes or house, no flipping thing. Gone as if she never once existed in this world with no effective trace of her existence that I can hold on to. She was an orphan I hear, the furthest I've gone in her family lineage is meeting cousins she grew up with in the Mkhwanazi household a walking distance from my grandmothers house in Harrismith. I love them all there for being the only connection I still have with my biological mother. I know for sure though that I can't do the same thing to my own babies in future.

I had this journal that I kept for 2 years since I started studying and I called it "The performance of existing" it has since dissapeared along with my laptop, the more reason to start blogging about my journey instead of safekeeping it off somehwere where it can dissapear. that written record of events is very important to me. So is the visual one but that video journal of mine I will complete when I start working çoz right now is just too damn busy. The focus is to complete my studies and try lifting off one of my businesses from the ground, at the same time that I grow in my art to go into the professional arena with it in 2015. A lot of preperation has to be made.

As far as not being able to reconnect somehow with biological mom, nothing really qualifies to fill those time and space gaps. They'l be there all my life. Like the burn on my right arm after a Stepmother walked into me with an iron back in 2005.

Yes being African is a gift.
We are the ultimate storytellers, we are what inspiration is made out of. We come from a colourful Continent flowered with the richest arts and culture in all of the world.
This very moment I feel like another voice that isn't my own spoke out from inside of me to bring those words to the surface coz that really doesn't like something I'd just randomly say. Whoever that voice belongs to, I have a picture in my mind. I don't remember who she is if she's part of family or anything but she's a strong black women wearing a head wrap around her head printed with little berries on it is all I can really recall.

For everything that is positive about being African in a Western world, my Dark Skin is the signature of my originality as a new life form on the planet continuing a millenia and millenia old type of poeple and race.

I would love for the story of this unique-ness to come out in all of my narratives. I don't know how I'm going to get there but the very first step in this search for more meaning and more answers is to start having a written record of all of my dreams so that sometime in future when I sit and reflect, I can bring the pieces to this puzzle together.

To my future grandchildren:
I'm only 21 right now and I know that you guys will exist someday coz I intend to leave offspring on this earth before I die. You guys need to be as stubborn as I am with your ambitions and passions. Listen to those soft desires and passions inside of you. Those are your leads, don't pay attention to the 40 million reasons why you can't follow those ambitions, follow them in anyway. The ancestor living inside of you is manifesting themself to you in the form of your desires and passions to give you guidance. make sure you hear that first voice of direction.

Same thing I'm doing with my life right now, I'm following my passions and ambitions with the love for writing and media and nobody's gonna stand in my way. The aim is to hold on to my fire and flair for life for as long as I possibly can.You don't want to exist but not be alive inside. find what excites you and then hang onto that with your life. I'm going to be taking you through the whole journey of my life, my career, all those dreams at night and everything else.

What makes me a stroryteller must be those childhood desires to scribble all day little short stories about fairytale characters as stick figures moving around as animate objects on my drawing pad. This was long before the concept of storytelling was understood by me, I was just that kid doing what I enjoyed doing. To the extent where my grandmother thought there was something wrong with me, 'coz unlike the other kids, I wasn't trying to go out and play squash n shyi. I was stuck in my room all day everyday scribbling wierd little stuff and having a blast in my imagination.

I still dig doing that and its so much fun for me that those stories don't have to make any sense to anybody else. I tell everybody I meet that I'm a graphical lyricist and flow acrobat by profession coz that's what I'm establishing myself towards with my writing, besides creative reporting and podcasting. I won't be freelancing for long though Mommies got a plan for everything!! haha

That is that one-liner I've prepared for meeting random cool folk everywhere and getting them to follow me on twitter so I could extend my reach, and invite in more work opportunities.

"work your way up to where you want to see yourself"are the words that I live by.

At this point in my life, my hardwork means my food and toilet paper. somebody has to pay for that stuff and I don't intend on turning your grandfather into a cash cow when he gets here..lol.

goodnight.
Past the Future as my present obsession.