Crazy screwed!!... "Fuck ya life!!" said the test question paper

Not sure if I'm mad, upset or just disappointed. That paper gave me real shit and I won't forget it, It's the only reason I'm sitting here right now thinking - 'why can't I just be a character in animation so I don't have to live, work or do stuff I can just wobble about whenever its show time and then sleep for the rest of the time I'm not needed'.

The reality of work really scares people. Not coming from the spoilt brat tip or anything like that, a sore looser maybe at the very least. I'm not confident in how ready I am to step into the working world and in no time at all I will have to flap my wings and jump out the nest whether I'm ready for it or not. It will just be time!

To be honest, I do wish I had more time just to be a kid again. My worry comes from the place of knowing how tough a world it is out here and that everyone is just out trying to survive. 3 days ago I had an empty fridge with nothing but 2 liters of water in it and I was determined to working my butt off to never find myself there again. But now... one is chilling there teary eyed and certain that the world has come to an end, rolling toilet paper sheets into little pieces of stones in my hand. ......I really am thinking about jumping off a truck screaming "I didn't choose to be here!!!" . So perhaps all my peoples around me right now are as disappointed in me as I am in myself today and that's why everybody's not talking to me in a time when I need their comfort the most?... Bitchezz!!.

I walked out of the test venue today having answered only 2 questions out of 5, for 10 marks each!!! where was my head?....well...  I just didn't know everything else there I just didn't study. That wasn't the smartest thing to do and I knew it long before my head and I decided we were striking and not studying this weekend, but we still went ahead with our little rebellion. I don't know where that little rebel inside comes from but she's here now and has been extremely stubborn recently. When I don't want to do something I won't do it never mind the circumstances, I would have long decided with that little devil of a rebel in there that we are not doing it and the orders would be carried through. I can only thank God that this was the first test and I still have a second one along with an essay to make up for that huge loss of marks coz this shit right here was just damn crazy!!

This whole weekend I just felt like "fuck ya life Thembi!" and did completely nothing at all with the time I had. I need to grow up though.... so long as it doesn't come in the way of me finding myself in all of this chaos then I might just consider that "growing up rubbish", independence might just mean choosing what colour toilet paper I want to start buying every month.. It gets confusing so much of the time though, either there's a lot of anger, depression or plain rebellion. or extreme excitement. Manic dep slunking me again I geuss, I'd rather call it that than bipolar coz the former just makes you sound retarded.

The fact that I know I'm gonna pay for the mistake I made today just murders me. If I had cash I swear I'd by 3 bottles of vodka and numb myself dead with it. Sooo not ready for the consequences of my actions, seeing that big fat red F is going to traumatize a Nuhtkayz I tell ya.

Remember that fresh out of matric first year student who scored the highest grades, was on level with everything kept up with each module and passed every flipping test with flying colours? (nearly screaming) where is that girl Thembi? What did you do to her??!!!!  You need her now more than you did back then... look at you blogging your life away as if life is all that easy for you. You forget that you fuck this up the world is over for you!! Get around the fact that you need to go back to work, work, work, work and more work. You can't survive like this.

You are letting yourself down, along with your future grandkids and everybody else who believes in you right now coz you just don't want to bring yourself to being practical with your ideas and working!

can't believe how different life is now from what it used to be a year ago.

so dealing with distractions:
 I'm going to make time for everything that is important to me in my life and I am going to live in that arranged space.

This is really not the end of the world, this is only the first test and there's still a second one and other assignments to go along with it. this is a big week of transformation for me. I promise myself never to be here again, its lonely and silent and everybody is just gone and hiding out somewhere. I don't feel like I have any type of support structure in my life whether it is from the dude I dig, from family or from friends it really is every man by himself.

This is the conclusion I've come down to:
 I'm bothered so much by this coz I've always been so much of an academic achiever all my life scrambling to make the top 10s and top5s of the classes at all the schools that I've been to. Those were my constant goals and I was always driven by the thought of achieving each of them. There's certainly a deficit now because I'm not keeping that balance between my ambitions and my academic accomplishments. Today was an epic fail but I WILL make up for it by all means possible.

I remember this poster I made in my first year of study that read something like, the only difference between Oprah and the average individual is that Oprah manages her time and plans for every hour of her day and sticks to it. Goal orientated, organized and very directed in all her endeavors.
From that I have just calculated that the problem that I am experiencing with myself right now is not going to get in the way of my affair with success. I want to succeed in everything that I do and go for gold like I always have in my life.

Failure is not falling but actually staying down once you have fallen and yes I have made a blunder, a huge one at that as conviction of my humanity. I am human, I am imperfect and I love that about myself because that is what constantly reminds me that I am real and original!!!

I want to feel the joys of reaching each of my goals again and experiencing little successes along the way leading up to an even greater success. It's the best thing to do with my time in this dog eat dog world where everybody is out for their own. So I'm going to busy myself with little achievements along the way ranging from academic ones to creative and practical ones and draw up a little  list of all of my successes and achievements to look at whenever I feel down or need the strength to keep going and fuel up for even bigger things. Here we come!!!! ready to draw up that list of accomplishments!
That list is what I am going to live for... I don't have a child, I don't have a business yet or an official partner and I want to invest my time and energy into something beneficial to me and my future.

I'm a strong person inside of there and I'm not going to crumble that easily. This is how I'm going to go from ideas and plans to execution and practice... no more wasting my time on precious nothings.

I'm going to make #DarkSkin thoughts the record of a little ladies grind to the very top!
Nobody hustles like a hungry person and that is what makes us African dangerous! we don't play... this was one failure among a slew of successes and it won't in anyway break my focus. If anything... it has helped fuel me forward coz now I know exactly where I don't want to be as far as qualification grind and exactly where I want to be with it. It's just about making more time for this and everything else that is important to me, limit time online and waddling around, lying there on that evil single bed and fantasizing about all sorts of stuff, now its point WORK!

There's no turning back... I've rediscovered my strengths again. I needed this blunder in order to get where I am right now.

Here goes a Nuhtkayz.

To work like you'r on top of millions, To create like you're hungry and sleep like you're dead #SeriousGrind!! ...All in all there's no sleep!!!