I do hope that writing about this entire experience might help someone not end up where I did... Not interested in anybody's pity!
So there I was...
going about my life thinking I was completely normal and stuff,
looking at people as though we were all the same, going to classes coming back and doing whatever else.
Unaware of the reality that my mind was functioning differently to that of the normal human being. You can imagine that moment of despair I had after I did my research and discovered I had all the damn symptoms, spoke to the campus counsellor and ended up getting diagnosed with a bio-chemical imbalance in the brain better understood as Manic or clinical depression
a condition of mental illness... insane ryt? I felt crazy, wouldn't you?
I chilled there for a moment thinking...
so all that frustration and anguish wasn't normal? All those highs and lows in energy? all that insomnia I wasn't normal I was actually ill?
Took me a long time to come to terms with that stuff..
I started having flashbacks from times where I'd get into arguments and eventually get dissed about seeing a psychiatrist.
The one time prior checking up I remember how crushed I felt after some character I used to talk to sent me an email threatening to kick my head in if I ever sent him another bipolar message again.. Bear in mind this is at a time where I was completely unaware of my condition and had no idea something wasn't right, I was sure I was just getting dissed for pissing somebody off.
Bipolar can also be explained as a brain disorder causing unusual shifts in a persons moods, energy or ability to function properly as explained by Laura Bains in her TED talk... who is a very inspiring individual living with bipolar type 2. (I'll add her TED talk video below)
So this is that story about Comorbidity or clinical depression (MDD) and how it impacts a human beings life...
Personally took me long to identify the condition but once I did... life started meaning something different. As if it's not enough of a curse to be female and black in this life, already born into chains of external design...
it's so important that people know how serious this stuff is, coming from someone who has first hand experience with it.
It made me think about somebody I used to know from back home who crossed over under the struggle of such mental disorder. Mpho Moloi was a friend of an uncle of mine and he showed no signs of suffering but the stigma around depression made us all think he was just another attention seeker. Nobody thought his situation was detrimental until his condition got to a point where he ended his life as a solution to the emotional pain that came from that chemical imbalance in his brain ( Which nobody really understood).
He just became that upper class dude who decided to tie his legs and arms and drown himself. Nobody will ever educate you about illnesses that are not physical. One lady in one of the videos below went as far as expressing the experience as ' like having a wheelchair in your brain'
How is this a devastating illness?
As explained by Dr. Stephen Llardi
"It lights up the pain circuitry of the brain"
So up until the point where you realise that this is a medical condition and not just an emotional one you begin to see how detrimental it is to the people who suffer from it. Not all of it is negative though, I found out that I'm a bipolar type 2 which is less extreme from the type 1 in that you have a less risk of suicide. The up side of it is that although you may have fairly awful episodes of depression and hyper-mania, you also appear to be very creative and energetic at times. Which sounds super exciting to me since it places me in a place of advantage as far as the arts goes... *chuckle*
More videos to further clarify the condition:
Discovering that I really do want to raise awareness on this issue because knowing and understanding my condition made life so much easier for me and I can only imagine how beneficial this knowledge can be to people who are without the resources to get the stuff checked out and dealt with.
Fortunately will be able to get therapy from the campus counseling department ensure the good health of my mind during the course of my degree and I look forward to a bright future with myself and all the shit I enjoy doing.
Hope you found this post helpful and educational.. night night!!
No comments:
Post a Comment