Day 47 - Threads of rejection.

In the mind and life of a Nuhtkayz
Seeing existence through the worldview of a Free Spirit - The journey continues.....

Approval and acceptance...
It's either that or the relationship that you have with yourself. People will use rejection to scorch and tear you down coz sometimes it makes them feel powerful to do so...
to dominate, cause or inflict some type of pain on somebody else makes a previously oppressed person feel superior.
Maybe because such a person has experienced pain themself and don't realise how bitter that has made them on the inside and the best way of expressing that pain sometimes is causing it or seeing it in somebody else... perhaps it helps such people feel like they're not alone in their misery.

Once you've been victimised before and you know exactly how powerless and dominated you felt.. Victimising somebody else must make you feel powerful and superior for knowing that you can create such powerlessness in someone else, it gives you some kind of satisfaction, healing, vengeance or just allows you to deal with those obscurities in a way that releases you from the powerlessness and inferiority of domination.
Once you break away from that and feel like finally the strength and power is in YOUR hands... you begin to abuse it and take advantage of it.
Like we all know... hot feels good only if you have been through excruciating cold!
That could be the explanation behind our accelerated crime rates in this country.

There'll always be judgement and stereotyping in a society of angry, depressed people trying to get by and survive.. It's rough in South Africa with all the economical, social and political spheres and their oppressive nature on the average joe... people are greatly frustrated and are in no mood for pettiness, of course you'll be buzzing and everybody who is unhappy with their own progress will try find areas to break you down in.

Rejection is painful.. you never get used to it!!
take it from someone who grew up in the hands of a gentle rejection,
feeling like the denied pregnancy because of the way you were treated by everybody around you.
Nobody has to understand what that feels like, but overtime talking about it helps you liberate yourself, you re-define and re-draw those permanent marks into something positive.
Neglect in all it's expressions will always be the strongest form of rejection that you can inflict on your own child... That is probably why all these rich white kids get caught up with drugs and get all suicidal in their teens start cutting their wrists and stuff.
All the money in the world couldn't buy you out of the scars of rejection... these kids are simply trying to deal with all that rejection and do not understand it well enough to deal with it in a better way.

Those are what I call.. the invisible scars of torture!!

Rejection creates all sorts of noises inside, it will continuously come back and torture you over and over again every time somebody in your life casts you out of the lot or treats you as unworthy of affection, time or attention.
Do you free yourself and fly... or do you suffer in silence and die?
It's really not about them it is about YOU... are you undeserving of existing in the unity that we all sprung out from as beings?
Is isolation what you deserve.... It seems as though you could never be enough...
With all the money in the world, nothing could replace the value of honest correspondence and interaction with other human beings.
you are not healthy without that.

The ones who've no idea at all what all this stuff feels like are normally the first ones to jump up and call people with such issues 'attention seekers', It makes sense because when you don't understand something or have never really experienced anything like it, you become insensitive and disrespectful towards it because you'll always take it from that place of ignorance and react according to that....
you just don't get it, therefore the people advocating whatever that is seem insane, crazy or retarded to you......
So you end up thinking of them as  cry babies and softies never mind that you haven't endured the same pains.

Till this day... I still believe that the best pains are physical because they can heal... emotional scars are worse, they NEVER heal!

That painful scorch of rejection and othering, there's nothing like it on the planet...

As people I believe we need to develop ways of dealing with rejection in ways that allow us to hold on to our pride and dignity and still keep whatever political leverage we still have in that situation, in order to empower ourselves and not let that other person take too much away from ourselves.
Rejection will always dent your self esteem, confidence and sense of worth and you know you'r a great mind when it feels like all of the world is trying to break you down.

They will other you because you are nothing like them, but not being able to embrace difference and change is a weakness to me because there will always be different types of people, no 2 people are the same!!.. we don't all want the same things in life, we don't all have the same wishes and hopes and don't share similar sentiments at times. so every time somebody casts you out.. be cool with that because the deficiency or lack of acceptance is with them and not you. How are you going to change yourself to please the people around you?

I've come so far with myself to allow myself to be ripped apart by judgement, people don't know what is inside of you. If they don't understand you... that's fine! then that's just how shit is...

you need to get used to being isolated by people if you are serious about staying true to yourself. This jealous ho next door... I suspect she's behind the robbery that took place couple months ago, I know for a fact that it must have been her. Nobody else got as much access to my space as she does. Nobody else would have had the confidence to break in and neatly steal stuff from me like that... she had to be very sure you were out and not around for her to do so, plus I saw her getting all offensive when asked.... don't know what I'm gonna do about this really.
I'm not even in the space to deal with any of this right now....

I need to relentlessly go out and do me... Stumbling is ok if you plan to get up and continue moving ahead...

I've never been so unplugged from the world around me... I was living nowhere at all, not in the future not in the present not in the past just 'nowhere'.... some things though! Still can't believe the girl next door here at res been stealing from me for so long sneaking into my room taking things.. there I was thinking that I was loosing stuff on campus and this bitch had some spare key or whatever she came in with and she'd be stealing cash in small portions so I wouldn't notice.

So many of my best pieces of clothing gone... my laptop too I swear it was her, there's no other suspect thank goodness I haven't been a peoples person and not close to anybody else in this res so it couldn't have been anybody else, I'd be naive to think otherwise....  this twisted troll, how do you just complicate somebody else's life like that?


If the God that she prays to let's this slide... the consciousness that holds everything together in this universe WILL NOT!! karma is a bitch that we all know very - very well!!
I have no more time to be nice to people... people out here are empathetically rotten, I need to go out there and get mines at whatever cost, I can't have this and I've never felt so pushed to the edge before...

And then with the rest of life.....

I'd like to establish myself as a stylist, writer and emcee
I'd rather fail at that then not try at all... my two years study of visual media and graphics will not go to waste.

What excites me...
The thought of establishing myself, making a name for myself and existing in self sufficience, the need to stand on my own feet financially is too damn important to me right now... the build up of frustration is so long overdue that I swear if I don't push in this direction something is going to explode.

I can't care what people think of me anymore, I'll never be perfect.
The life that I want to live and everything that I wish for myself *Deep breathe*.... I'm going for that stuff now with all of me, I'd rather die pursuing it than to continue with where I'm at right now.
Nobody else has to understand why but me.

Today I faced all the rejection issues I'd put aside for so long in this life of mine.
To really think about how I was feeling in all the judgement I've been getting and where I place it all. I couldn't ever be a drop out like how they expect... I'm so much more then all these zombie human beings around me... souls sold and they don't even know they are without their own souls, empty containers rattling about everywhere existing in the darkest form of slavery... spiritual slavery, We are not the same and we will never be the same.
How do you even begin to think that you know what is good for me just because u 'think' you know what's good for yourself?
.... are we the same spirits with the same minds, desires and thoughts?

I'm alive and I own my life... you don't! I write the script of my own life, you live yours according to a script that's been given to you by somebody else because that is what sheeple do!
 I couldn't care about being a failure in your eyes for your eyes can't see shit.
Yours I can't even call short sight because there's nothing coming directly from you.. you are just a walking mouthpiece of the system that you serve with all your life.
Me at the other hand, I prefer to be my own voice...

Also faced other things today in that, the thin line between illusion and reality..
me being such a fluid individual, I don't know within which space I exist. Feeling like I'm living in neither of these places... where does this free spirit in there come from and where do I feel like that personality is most manifested through?

Transparency is what makes this journey real for me... I had one friend say to me that the reason I'm still on my own is because I'm so transparent with my business, me trying to document all of my life in an open way intimidated people who wanted to be in my life. I guess with me, there is no complete privacy... My life is the artwork that I continually create within and tell stories around, my creative staple.... wouldn't it be selfish to dismiss those real-time documenting desires to make myself more acceptable or 'available' or whatever...?

I prefer to live for ME and not for the rest of society, you are either here with me or not, but I won't force you to stay If you'd like to leave.... life continues forward!

Illusions and the creations there of.. that stuff excites me though! I never feel like I exist in either coz I'm such a fluid form..