I will not silence you... They can't make us do what we don't want to do.
Somebody else's success won't necessarily be MY success too.. we are different and complex as human beings.
Many people won't understand this step that I want to take right now but I'm not expecting them to,
the judgment is ok with me... (end of the day that is all that people can do to you & nothing else)
But I know for sure that it is going to free me.. In more ways than one.
I'm determined to take this leap into the deep end for reasons that are valid to me.
I'm tired of being told what success is... I want to go out and find my own.
Mind is made up on jumping in at the deep end....
How much value do I place on these ambitions and dreams that are planted deep within the skin of my desires?
Am I willing to put everything on the line?
I'm not a chancer... but I want things to happen naturally.
I want to be in a position where I can live for this thing...
there's so much contentment that comes from only just imagining that reality.
I want to go for it. They say you should live for what you believe in.
But I might be dead inside for as long as I put my own growth on hold to do other things with my life.
I want it to be a win or loose situation.
I want to go in whole heartedly.. I want to go in with my ALL!!
Fck it I'm ready to drop everything and go and just run into it because my dreams are bigger then me....
I don't care what happens to me... Will I win will I fail at it? There's no chance of loosing at your passions!!
no matter how rough it gets with that, you'll have so much fire inside of you that you can keep going no matter how tough it gets. I know I'm crazy about this thing that I'm doing because
Classes ended today at 13:00 and I've been sitting here campaigning to get on the SAHHA13 cypher since.
It's 21:46 right now and I left class starving but didn't go eat first because I'm so driven by this fire I sat here at this internet lab all day doing what I'm doing. There was one ray of light... I followed in it all day.
It is very strong how these desires overpower all the other desires I have such as eating and sleeping. Sometimes when I really get into the zone of my writing I loose my mind and I literally end up fasting all day because these desires are much stronger than any human inhibitions.
It's serious stuff for me no matter how little people out here make of this thing of mine. I love the fact that thinking about this gets me so emotional that I can almost feel my tears building up from behind my eye balls saying " Thembi if you don't do this you'd be failing us and not staying true to yourself"
I can't believe how important this stuff is to me.. and it took me this long for me to realize that no, I'm not trying to leave any room for disappointment. I am busy trying to do best at all edges. I'm prepared for anything.. I could fall a number of times but eventually I'll get up and continue forward.
But I'm so insanely inlove with this stuff that I could fail a millions times at it and I would not stop!! I'd keep going.. this stuff is closest to my heart, makes the most sense to me and I can't wait to start living these desires.
I could be too rushed but God help me I don't think I'll hold on for another year... The little rebel in there is not going to budge!
I believe my spirit guides reached out to me today, they sent me triples 3 messages that I had to decode...
" 33 is a Master number and it’s message is that ‘all things are possible’. If you happen to be considering a new venture or major life change, the Master number 33 tells you that if your purpose or reason for change is one of high order and your intentions are of a positive nature, your wishes will come to fruition and the changes will be successful with the help of your angels and the Universal energies"
I took this as confirmation for what I was already thinking in my mind and the freedom that I was already envisioning. I'll pray about it and clear my head around it tonight but...
this to me was that "OK" from the universe that... go right ahead with what you are thinking..
We have got your back and are with you.
Why I relate to Cyndi Lauper so much... She was an original nutcase, so is Amy Winehouse, Lady Gaga and Tyler the creator. These are people that I gravitate to and relate to creatively and personally too...
That is just the story of my life... and who I am inside of there.
This is yet the scariest decision I've ever had and will have to live with it for the rest of my life with no regrets whatsoever.
The world just needs to let me make my mistakes if this decision is so much of a mistake.. let me fall and then get my own self up then.
When you were called to do something you were called to do it... It's a damn calling!! away with all the judgment.
I see myself giving life to emotions over and over again in my writing and my flow concoctions and that is how it should go...
I want to tae control of my life and write the rest of the story of my life the way that I want to.. The next chapters.. I'm leaping in head first and not worrying myself with the rules and what they have to say to me.
I won't change who and what I am in order to be accepted...
I'm allowing those strong passions and artistic desires to lead me ahead.. love it or hate it, I'm not stopping no matter how tough and difficult it will get along the way. I will eventually reach the top of that mountain and it will be like nothing on earth!!
I'm ok with working odd jobs staying in a shady place and waking up happy each day about owning my own life and directing it forward the way that I want it to go...
I have to go now, but yeah that is the bottom line...
Not coming back here to complete my third year.. I'm writing the story of my life differently now.
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