a cold night...

you can't hate yourself forever...

why don't you just hate him instead coz he makes you feel all the more ridiculous., My question is why did you go?
this bothers you so much right now like hell no I'm not going there again but still you are thinking about it.

how about refreshing your mind and then working really really hard? I don't know why these trolls think I need them but its time to prove kats wrong though, its funny how I've always been surrounded by all these douches in my life like I keep vibrating on their level or something crazy like that.

now for this kat to think that he can just pop back into my life like that and say stuff like that was just off. I have to make a life changing transition tonight. I know what I don't want to be... I know what I need to improve, the construction begins now.

I'll be alone all of my life so I need to learn how to make it work that way, you can't depend on none of these things man people are rotten worms really until you seem to have something they can benefit from.
what is with all this talk? there has to be a bit of a change in my life..

there's literally nothing right now, you keep slipping in and out of depression, you don't know where all the cash went and why your fridge is suddenly empty. Family members can't do shit everybody is broke around this time of the month so what's the way forward... and then this dude decides to tell you that you need to slow down. does he realize that if you don't start generating some type of income soon you are doomed??... you work this hard because you are busy getting yourself somewhere, not trying to keep busy.
If my ideas could just generate a couple of cents so I don't have to go back to eating crap maby life would be better. Infact, there needs to be that transition I swear if Redbull gives me that sponsorship for my business I'm dropping out... I'm just not happy here, I need to get myself somewhere else. Somewhere where there's love and care and real people with real heads.

I don't think that anybody wants to feel so isolated from everything and everyone else in their life. I hate the messages I keep getting about myself. I didn't think that I was anything like that.

the new generation... I'm part of those people?... why did I let him speak to me like that? it's all my Dads fault.

wounds are peeling in there coz it feels like he thinks he's too good to be talking to me right now, I saw that He favourited her status updates and shit. I really have no space in my life right now to be emotional about stuff like this. There is too much going on and I'm too busy for this.

but my mind keeps running back and forth with these horrendous obscurities, that dark place just won't leave me alone will it? I actually thought I had managed to escape it. I don't want to hear any music, I don't want to speak to anyone I just don't want nothing at all to do with everyone around me is how I'm feeling right now.
Where that frustration comes from, I wouldn't know....

It's like I need constant validation that I'm ok.

Why doesn't anybody believe me when I say I need help to deal with these demons. If I don't do anything about all of this crazy depression it could cost me my life!!! its such a struggle to get out of this zone once you've been consumed by it.

I need to meet Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta before I die... she knows what I'm talking about....you just want to cry, because you are experiencing a pain that only you know and nobody else. you in that hole alone and nobody would hear you screaming even if you would try to. that is what this space feels like.

I'm playing 'hey there Delilah' by the Plain white T's right now and just thinking... don't I deserve to be loved that much by some dude out there somewhere?..... something I could really do with right now... feeling cared for, it always gets people through the darkest ditches of their lives. Does my being black affect my chances of ever knowing a love like that?

maby I should spend all my time materializing my visions and goals and stuff and achieving gold with one goal at a time.. I don't know if I even want to carry through with this graduation. Where is all that support I've had all of my life? what happened to it?

maby transforming into this nutcase and going under complete reconstruction is going to help me wear my strength maby who knows. If only there was a refresh button somewhere. or an ESC one.... where do I get out?